Being sick , off track, and Still going

I have been sick for over a week now and it has really thrown me off track. I am feeling better and I plan to get back on track tomorrow with walking in the morning. So my question for you all out in the blog 'o sphere is what do you do when you get off track and need to get back on? I just wanted to do a quick up date Just to let you all know that i haven't given up I just had to take a break to try and get healthy.

Happy Things:

1) A husband that races the dogs up the stairs to get me water
2) Supportive coworkers.
3) My Mommy's Birthday Tomorrow.

All My Love,

Jennette

Beating the anxiety bug and Giving up the word Try: End of Week Three

I am now down 6.6 pounds. Six has always been my lucky number so I hope this is a portent of good things to come. Today I woke up with a great deal of anxiety. You know the type where you are just waiting for the other shoe or house to drop. I called my husband to try and work through it and it may just be that it is Monday and Monday is back to work day. As I talked to Sam he said something so simple that just reminded me of what I am doing. He said doesn't thinking like that Just attract that back to you?(or something very similar) and I thought about it and yes he is right.

I have a history of Anxiety and Panic disorder. While I still struggle with the anxiety, I haven't had a panic attack for over 5 years. My panic attacks were bad they were full of hyperventilating and screaming. Part of what has helped me get to where I am with the panic attacks is realizing that I used them as a way to avoid situations I didn't want to handle, and that I had way more control over them than I thought.

So, What does this have to do with weight loss?....

At one point in my life I was certain that panic attacks would always be a part of my life. Just like I have always on some level believed that being fat was just part of who I am. It doesn't have to be, I have that control and I have that choice. What I put out to the world is what I get back, just like my husband said. With all this in mind I am giving up the word Try and all it's derivatives i.e. trying. I am not 'trying to lose weight', I AM losing weight. I AM getting healthier and I AM able to do this.

So that is it for today, writing it even helped my feeling of anxiety.

Things I am Grateful For,

1- Super smart Husband that is always supportive
2- The ability to make choices and change my life
3- Friends who have Cucumbers as snacks at parties because they know what I am trying to do and want to be supportive
4- Everyone who reads my Blog and Facebook posts and comments or likes things. It helps so so so much

All My Love,

Jennette

I am not Fat - End of Week two

The pictures above are of me at my heaviest weight 240 pounds. Right now I am down almost 10 pounds I weigh in tomorrow. I am sitting here watching DVR of Oprah's life class and thinking about my my beliefs and ego and my journey in general. One of the things that is hardest for me is overcoming my shadow beliefs but that in it's self is a belief that I have control over. For as long as I can remember I have told my self I am fat. so Jennette = Fat. so nothing else I have ever done is part of who I am. So from this day on I am no longer going to say I am fat. I am not Fat, I am Jennette. Jennette does not equal fat. Jennette equals awesome, energetic, brilliant, creative and fabulous. So this is me I am Jennette and I am not Fat.

Day 6: Biggest Loser Last Chance Work out

Biggest Loser Last chance work out just kicked Sam and My butts. We did the full video but it can be broken down. It was a really good work out. Jillian is the leader and it is the season 7 cast. Tara Costa and Sione are the most recognizable.

Today is my eat what I want day but I still work out; tomorrow I am back on the food plan but no work out. Thinking we may go up the canyon and see leaves Sunday or Monday depending on weather. We are thinking mil creak but are open to suggestions.

Yesterday I only got about 45 minuets of work out in due to not feeling well but at least I worked out. Calorie wise I stayed really close but at the end of the day I still went over.

Happy things:

Belly dance show tonight

Brownies

Sweat

All my love,

Jennette

Day 5 : to snack or not to snack

Quick post today, I'm not feeling well.

Day 4 ended with dance class that was good.

Oatmeal with Kiwi not bad a little tart.

Afternoons are killing me my snack is turning into a fourth meal and then I am our of calories for dinner. Ideas any one? I need filling low calorie (less than 150) snack ideas.

Day 5

15 minuet elliptical will work out more later.

happy things

funny puppies

Sleep

getting a DVR next week

All my love,

Jennette

Day four: step and pump

Photo: Me at the Tilamook cheese factory

Day four work out so far consisted of 30 minuet Walk on the treadmill and light strength training. My house is cold today so I got to war my jacket while working out and that made me feel all cozy



Yesterday I participated in my first flash mob ( yes I want to do another) this one was organized by my work and was for a meeting but it was fun to be a part of. I also ended the day ended with a step and pump class. Step and Pump is Step aerobics with intervals of strength training with free weights. I haven't done step for forever so it was a little tricky but I caught on eventually. I was, of course, right behind the girl as big as my wrist who added tons of extra steps to make it more difficult. In the past I would have felt really really bad for not being able to do what she did , but this time I found my self more grateful that I could just do what I was doing and was proud for keeping up as well as I did. I also was able to view her as something to strive towards, it is a switch for me and I kind of surprised my self .



Food is still a struggle but It was good to remember that an egg is only 70 calories and so when I was low on calories for dinner Eggs and toast it was. The other day I did old fashioned oatmeal with nectarines and a little sugar and it was great so today I am thinking doing it with Kiwi. I will let you know how it goes. I also tried the fiber one 90 calorie brownies yesterday. It was pretty good but a little dry it would be good dipped in milk. I think that has been one of the biggest food changes for me has been the cut back on Milk I can drink a half gallon a day, now I am down to two cups it is definitely different. I also tried the tomato basil laughing cow cheese. One wedge is only35 calories. It is perfect if you have a pizza craving, good on crackers not good on apples.



I got a little anxious about if this was working at all or not so I weighed my self early ( I was supposed to wait till Monday) The results were comforting though I am down two pounds since monday. I will keep this up and keep going :)



Happy Things

1) Trying new work outs
2) Sugar(puppy) feeling better
3) having a furnace in my home that doesn't have to be fed with wood or oil and keeps me warm on cold mornings.

All My Love,
Jennette

Day # 3 - Reese Pieces

So I did pretty well Yesterday I did a 30 min walk and light strength training in the morning. 40 walk with the dogs after work and 20 minuets on the hand bike while watching the biggest loser ( My favorite Show) Where I got in to trouble yesterday was a bag of Reese's Pieces on my dresser. I ended up eating about 250 calories worth so I ended up about 300 calories over for the day. I am struggling with finding easy snacks under 150 calories and Lunches under 400 calories . I would love ideas if any one has any.

I have already done elliptical and some strength training this morning.

Short post today as I have to be in to work early

Happy / grateful things

1) Having a great team on one of my hardest cases

2) Biggest Loser !!!

3) people who read this

All my love,

Jennette

Day two - keeping the ball rolling

So, Day two: did 30 minuets on the treadmill and push ups, squats and plank. I plan on doing pedal bike and some upper body yoga this evening. I have to be careful with yoga because my hip could be a lot worse if I don't watch it.

I figured out yesterday that I have about 217 days to reach my goal and I need to lose 3 to 4 pounds a week to do it. I am telling everyone about it in hopes that that will keep me on track. I am scared that I will do what I seem to always do and that is start strong and then get tired and give up. I am not going to do that this time!!! When Sam and I were discussing this who process on Sunday he said something that stood out to me. I was lamenting about how I have tried this before and why would this time be any different and he said that is that this time is different because I am coming in to it with a different set of experiences than I have previously. It struck me how true this is we are always growing and changing and there is nothing to lock us in to past behavior patterns. One of my favorite quotes is from Ann of Green Gables "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it" I just have to remember that each and ever day and keep going.

Yesterday I ended up working out about one hour 45 minuets total not quite the two hours but I didn't get off work till 8 pm. Sam is worried I will burn out if I keep going at the pace I am going. I just don't know how else to do it.

Right now I am leaning towards spark people as an eating program I logged there yesterday and I went about 100 calories over my 1550 calorie goal. The only thing that I am worried about with spark people is I am not sure they adjust the calories you are given based on how much you exercise while weight watchers does. Over all I would count my first day as successful. Thank you to those of you who have commented here and at face book . So to tie this in to one of my other goals I am going to finish my posts with some things that make me happy / things I am grateful for.

1) Super supported Husbands

2) Co workers willing to go on a walks with me

3) Shaved Puppies

All my Love !

Jennette

October 3, 2011 Day 1 - Looking for Support

So today Sam and I got up at 5:30 am and worked out. I did 30 minuets on the elliptical and about 25 minuets strength training with a work out I got off of Spark people .com. I have plans to work out again tonight. I have a very Lofty goal I would like to lose 100 lbs by my birthday May 6, 2012 when I turn 33. I figure in order to do this I need to we working out 6 days a week 2 hours a day. I am still trying to decide on an eating plan. I am vacillating between weight watchers and basic calorie counting. I already have a membership to Weight watchers on line and I can count calories on spark people for free. So what do you think? Which Direction would you go?

When I did my couch to 5 K summer 2010 the support from those who read this either on blogger or through Face book really helped. I am hoping I can get that help again. I am also hoping that some of you would be willing to call me during the week and help keep me motivated.

So what do you think can you help me out? If you can let me know and I will send you my phone number.

Thank you so much in advance!!!!

All My Love,

Jennette

Passion Searching

As a child welfare social worker I feel I have a very meaningful job but it doesn't full fill my soul. This may partially be the compassion fatigue that so often comes along with the job. I like the idea that passion is a way of living; I'm just not sure how to live that way. It is most likely different for each of us. I just want to have at least one thing in my life that makes me shine emotionally when I do it. Something I am drawn to in a way that makes me say ‘if I could do this every single day of my life I would.’ Something that provokes an inner fire that burns so bright it is evident to every one. To live out loud in a way that no one, not even I , can deny it.

Oh, the passion of it all. (Said in a very overly dramatic type of way with the back of my hand against my head)

So my question to you is, What is your Passion and How did you find it or how did it find you?

and

If you see mine wandering in the parking lot please send it my way.

Thanks,
Jennette

Thoughts on God and they way we treat each other.

So one of my friends posted a song today about the United States being united one nation under god. This made me think "Which God?" While I do consider my self agnostic, I hope that there is a god, a plan, and an afterlife. The thing is, which god concept do you subscribe too? The vengeful god?, The All Knowing All Powerful God? The absent God? The polytheistic pantheon? The one 'true' God? All of the Above?

I know that many of my friends and family are very religious and I think that is great. I am a firm believer that if religion is where you find Joy and peace that is right where you should be. I am not trying to sway any one, or change any minds; just express my own thoughts an beliefs; please take it as such. I am not looking for an argument and please don't take this as a 'teaching moment' where you try and change my mind. If you can't do that then please stop reading now and part as friends knowing I love you and hope I can support you in your spiritual journey.

I would like to Express my Idea of God.

1)God laughs and crys at our petty bickering over who is righter, This religion or that religion, this government or that government. I think all he really wants is for us to show love, kindness and respect for each other and all the rest is just extra.

2) If there is more than one God or Goddesses (Yes I think it could be a woman) The likely hood is that they are working together not against each other. I think contention is a man made invention. If they were fighting against each other this world, nay this universe (and all the others), would have ended before it began.

3) What if we are ALL right? Think about it. Why is it either/or why is it not And? If God is all powerful then with him ALL things are possible, why not AND?

4) We create a great deal of our reality through our choices and actions. I think that if there is a plan it is a broad one. God doesn't care what brand of peas you buy, or even if you eat them or not. You did not miss your chance to be _______ because you didn't or did _______. To me that seems petty. I don't think God is petty. Again it brings me back to Love, Kindness and respect.

5) We are more connected than we are comfortable with. I think this is why we try to segregate and individualize so much. It is scary to think that everyone else's choices are effecting MY reality, MY life. Try thinking OUR not MY and see what happens (especially if you are a parent). Think be for you act, you are never, let me repeat that, NEVER, functioning in a vacuum. ALL your actions have effects on others. Even when you are alone and think no one is looking, YOU are looking and you have a response to your own actions, which in turn effects your reactions and responses to others. This in turn effects them. It is actually kind of scary if you think about it. I guess this is very evident to me in my job.

6)Others aren't thinking about you as much as you think they are (ironic don't you think after the previous entry?). We are all wrapped up in our own heads. This may be partially cultural. Don't run you life by should and shouldn't and what will 'so and so' think. God wants love, kindness and respect not obsession, judgement and guilt, to be the basis of our relationships. Think about it next time you try and guilt trip some one in to doing something you know they don't want to do. Are you showing Love, Kindness and Respect?

7) GOD is LOVE; aka GOD = Love. Anything that does not promote this or makes this equation invalid is not of God. If someone is trying trying to provoke anger, fear or hate. What they are doing is not of God.

8)As you can see my view is not of a Vengeful separatist god that excludes for any reason. To me All Knowing is All Loving. He does not need to 'take back the country,' or 'marriage' or 'family' etc because the whole Universe is his and he doesn't need our help. I think he is more OK with us then we think. Again with the laughing and crying; he loves and accepts us UNCONDITIONALLY. Personally I don't believe there is one 'right way to live and be happy' in any aspect of life. What makes you happy at one time in your life is not necessarily going to make you happy in another and that's OK.

9) Balance in all things includes a balanced spiritual life. This can be your relationship with GOD or religion or your own spiritual path. There is such a thing as too much of a 'good thing' and I believe that spirituality is one of those 'good things'

10) God is the Master of Forgiveness so I am sure if I am wrong then he will forgive me.

As with all my posts I reserve the right to change my mind with out prior notice on any topic at any time.

Most of all I hope you all have Love, Kindness, Respect, Peace and Joy in your lives and I don't care where you find it. I just want you to have it. To quote an oldie but a good is "And above all this I wish you Love, and I will always love you." with all my heart.

Jennette <3

Dear Universe.

Dear Universe,

Thanks you for the diversity you offer; the colors, the races, the religions and all the other things that bring beauty to our life. I am so grateful that the world is not one great ball that is both emotionally and physically gray. Thank you for all the shapes, sizes and pathologies. Thank you for the challenges that help me become a better person. Thank you for love and hate and anger and sadness that enrich my day. What a blessing it is to feel, even if it is not always feeling good. Thank you for pain and illness for that which does not kill us… you know the rest :) Thank you for taste and sound and touch. Thank you for all, especially butterflies.

Love,
Jennette

Why not?

You may have heard of the TV show the Doctors and you may have heard of Jillian Michaels, but did you know they are teaming up? Well they are and they are looking for submissions from people looking for help loosing weight and needing motivation. So I decided why not me? So here is my letter I sent to them. Cross your fingers for me.

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My Name is Jennette Stone. I work in a field where we are trying to help people make better choices for them self and their family. I am a child welfare social worker. This is a profession notorious for high stress, low pay, burn out and lack of self-care. I am no Exception. At age 32 I weigh somewhere between 235 and 240 lbs. depending on the day.

The last three years I have been in grad school. During this time I have worked full time at my job, attended classes and worked for free at various internships. This 70 plus hour a week schedule left little time for self-care and my stress levels were at record levels. All of this has contributed to the fact that I am now at my highest weight ever.

I am Excited to say I graduated this spring with my Masters in Social Work. I am in a field where we hope to make the world and life better for others, but in order to be a better example I need to do this for myself.

I also have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and would like to be able to have children someday (soon hopefully, we have been trying for over 5 years) it is difficult to watch the parents I work with make choices that hurt their children (and themselves), both physically and emotionally when I am personally struggling to become a parent.

I also have other medical issues that would be helped by losing weight. I am borderline diabetic, have bursitis in my left hip, I have had one ACL reconstruction, I have suffered with anxiety and depression as well as panic disorder, and have irritable bowel syndrome.

I feel that the blend of Jillian Michaels and The Doctors is in a unique position to help me address all of these issues together and help me better understand how they are all interconnected. I know how to work hard but I know I get in my own way. I don't know how to break through that wall of fear I have created myself and I know Jillian could help me do that.

I have several goals in my life being a parent is one of them I want to get my LCSW license and function as a therapist. I also want to become a yoga instructor in hopes of using yoga as a therapeutic intervention with clients as well as a fitness option.

I think that the viewing audience would be able to relate to my desire to overcome stress and medical conditions, would empathize with my desire to have children and hopefully be inspired by my desire to pay it forward and continue to help other in the future.

I would be grateful for any help and I think working with a TV show would help me with an accountability I need.

Thank you for your time and consideration

Jennette Eileen Stone

Give me a head with hair - Pink Hair?

As some of you may know I have never dyed my hair. I am a natural blond and have always been proud of that, Ive been afraid if I dye it I will never get my natural color back. Also One of the last things my grandfather said to me befor he died was that I have beautiful hair. This has been something I have held on to and has kept me from changing my hair much over my life time. I am thinking it is time for a definate change. My long blond hair is so much of my identity that I don't know how far I can stray from that. I have always wanted to have pink highlights in my hair but have been scared. Part of this is due to needing to have a profesional apperance for work so I am trying to find a way to do both and wanted to get some feedback. I have donated my hair in the past and I think it is time to do that again befor I dye it. So here are a couple of looks that I have liked on line let me know what you think.

Body Talk

Sam and I were talking about body image last night. I basically see my self as a beach ball with appendages. Sam is so excited about the changes he is seeing in his body right now due to his new push up routine and I think it's great but at the same time I feel jealous and grumpy about it. I have to remind myself that people succeed in groups, one person's success only makes mine more likely. I want to be thinner and not get sick as often and hurt less. I think that somewhere along the line I decided I am the fat girl and that is my roll in life and I also see it as a protective cop out as well. I can't because I'm fat, people don't like me because I'm fat, etc... I can blame it on the Fat and not on an innate problem with my self. So I want to change this. As I was watching the Biggest loser last night I was thinking even if I only live till I am 65 I still have as much life left to live as I have lived and I have the choice of what body I live it in. I don't have kids so I don't have that reason for my body being so far gone. Just my own lack of motivation or desire to realy make a change in my living style. It is not just loosing weight it is the way I live my life.

All My Love,

Jennette

Boingy, boingy boingy......

My brain does not want to function in a productive manner today or frankly at all lately. I need to contact one of my teachers and discuss why one of my papers is not done yet. I am soooooooo checked out of everything right now. Does anyone out there have any ideas on how to get refocused on work and school? My health hasn't been good and I have been getting ready to go to Vegas for my sisters wedding. I really just want to sleep and to get my brain back. Help.......

Random Thoughts on the nature of Media and the effect it has on culture

So as I scrolled down my face book page today there was a posting by NPR that mentioned that When the Cosby show was in it's hay day it had a viewing audience of 25 million and that Currently American Idol only has 15 million. This got me to thinking. Does the proliferation of media content and the ways to access it diminish the experience homogeneity of the American popular culture experience, effectively segregating the country.

For example: When TV was first Broadcast there were three channels now there are hundreds. When there was only three the American population only had three choices, therefor if you were watching TV (Which as we Know not everyone was ) you were exposed to one of three experiences. Now you don't even have to watch "regular" TV at all or even cable, there is net flicks, Hulu, DVR's, and many, many other ways to choose what media watch. In a short space of years we have gone from Saturday morning Cartoons to multiple cartoon Channels. My question is 'Is this diversification and personalization of media contributing to the divided atmosphere of the country?'

My hypothesis is that as we are more able to personalize the type of media we ingest we loose a common cultural base, thus further separating the American public. It makes it harder to say to a neighbor 'Did you see (Insert show here) last night?' and thus decreasing common experiences. Then as you take that on a National Scale no wonder are country is becoming more and more polarized. We can't find common ground because we don't have a common basis for reference making it harder and harder to relate to each other. We don't have to listen to the 'other guys' opinion we can search out media that only backs up our own opinion.

Don't get me wrong I love all the variety and the options and I think that there is so much good that comes out of people being able to express there opinions through social media (otherwise I wouldn't have this blog). It make me question though if there should be some type of common cultural basis for our country that gives us a place to start from. I love the diversity of our country and I would hate to lose that, but I would really like to see us pull together and function as a whole as opposed to two sides of a coin.

I know there are many other ideas and variables that contribuate to this division. I don't have the answer I am much better at coming up with the question :) Tell me what you think.

All my love..... Jennette

"Back" in bed / Ms Inferrtility but's in yet again

So it has been a rough week I have been in bed the last two days due to injuring my back by sitting on the floor. Yep you read that right I sat on my floor in my bedroom to look at clothes under my bed and I suddenly had an excruciating pain up the left side of my back, I couldn't breath and I couldn't sit up straight. I then got to drive my self to insta care after trying to call people while I couldn't breath deeply. I then had to wait for another hour to get in with the Dr at the insta care all for him to give me a shot to relax and kill the pain and tell me It was probably caused by sleep deprivations and stress. In the midst of all this I was trying to get my work covered and texting with people. This stressed me out even more. I admit there are definitely times I am not a spectacular worker but this was really bad because I forgot a report last week and it affected a lot of people. The hearing ended up being rescheduled. The Dr put me on naproxin and hydracondone so I can't drive and I am home in bed with the net book.

Last year I went to the adoption conference for work and listened to a woman talk about her journey with Infertility in titled Miss Infertility the uninvited guest at my life's party. I have adopted her idea of Miss Infertility as an uninvited guest that shows up at life events. There are the obvious times when she invades your space and mind such as baby showers and blessings, Every time you find out some one else is pregnant and mothers and fathers day, but then there are the unexpected times like getting a x-ray.

Yesterday they did a chest and back x-ray to check for pneumonia and tumors (yes they actually told me that) and every time they do an x ray they ask you if there is any chance you are pregnant. So because I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) I have a very erratic menstrual cycle and will go months with out a period. Due to the fact it has been since November they had me do a pregnancy test. And as with every pregnancy test I take ( even though I know how unlikely it is) I start day dreaming of it coming back positive, how I would react, telling Sam, telling others, when would it be due, going to the Dr. etc etc...... and then the inevitable " your good" which is their way of saying you are not pregnant and I hear yep your still broken can't do the one thing I woman is supposed to be able to do. Something a lot of people do on accident ( this is very apparent at my job ). They don't know that it breaks my heart a little bit more every time I hear it. So as I do my x ray there Ms Infertility sits in the corner laughing and putting me down.

So, how do I end this? I want to end on a positive note so I will talk about Martin Luther King Jr. This last Monday was MLK day I am so inspired by the life and Message of Dr. King. I think the world can really learn from the underlying theme of non violence and love. I strive every day to send more love to the world and to banish hate from my life. I am not perfect by any means but it is my goal to choose love every day.

All my love ..... Jennette

Feeling good, dieting not quite so good

So I a feeling really happy today it may be because I forgot to take my medication but oh well I will take what I can get :) Have you ever felt too good to work? That is where I am at today. I wish we could call off for feeling good. "Sorry boss, I can't come to work today because I feel to happy and it would just kill my buzz." I know it corny but It makes me chuckle. I often find my self more amusing than others do, but oh well. :)

On the life style change ( As I really shouldn't call it a diet, because diets end and frankly this can't if I want to actually get healthy (and as to if I really want to is another topic all together)). I Have been trying to make healthier choices eating oatmeal for breakfast, getting grilled chicken sandwiches with out sauce. Trying to eat more fruits and vegetables etc.... I have gone for two walks since I wrote last which is better than nothing. I still want to exercise more. If I could set up an ideal exercise program in my mind. It would be 1 hour yoga every morning, Then 30 minuets of cardio either running, elliptical or my really preference Dancing and then 30 minuets of strength training alternating days of upper and lower body. I really miss dancing with a group though. May be I should suggest the 30 minuet Dance party break at work. We all have 30 minuets 3 days a week to exercise. We could commander a conference room get one of those spinney lights at Spencer's and crank some music with a great beat and just let go. Personally I think it would be great for moral and team building.

Eating changes seem to be the hardest for me due to the eating out 3 times a day. If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them.

Well I had better get back to work

All my love..... Jennette

To Diet or not to Diet that is the question

This seems to be the eternal question for me. I am currently at my heaviest weight ever and I am plagued again by the question Should I try and lose weight. I am the queen of losing 20 lbs. It seems every time I focus on losing weight I lose 20 lbs and then I lose my motivation ( It may have been hiding in the 20 lbs I lost). My main excuse for not trying to lose weight right now is time. As in I don't have the time, I can't find the time, it takes to much time, energy, focus etc..... With working 40 hours a week, 20 hours of internship plus grad school classes this is an easy excuse to use.

My reasons to lose weight are plentiful. Here are just a few: 1) I will just keep getting fatter if I don't do something. 2) The likely hood of me ever getting pregnant reduces even more with every pound I gain. 3) I only getting older and it it will just keep getting harder to lose weight. 4) I'm pre-diabetic 5) My legs hurt all the time 6) My knees kill when I go up stairs or stand up 7) I look like shit or Jello if you want to talk specifically about my stomach 8) I feel like I am better than this, not better than other people who are over weight (I don't want to be misunderstood here), I know how to lose weight and I know I should and I know I can do it. I just don't seem to be able to get past the it will take to long/ I don't have the time etc.... crap.

It doesn't matter how busy I am there is always a healthier choice on what to put in my mouth even if I have to eat out three times a day due to my schedule. I have three half hours a week I can work out when I am at work plus I am off Saturday and Sunday. I can do this I just need to do it. Why does it seem like the knowledge portion of the event and the doing seem to be on opposite sides of the grand canyon and I am trying to build a bridge between them with tooth picks.

I understand that food is an addiction for me. I eat when I am board and when I want to avoid doing something else. The funny thing is that I am currently doing substance abuse addiction training at my Practicum/Internship. I can completely relate to the addicts when I apply what they say to food. I think I should do a relapse cycle on my food addiction. Sometimes I wish I could process it with them and get my core issues and thinking errors processed by the group. I wonder if the therapeutic community treatment model would work for weight loss. Ok so that is a little bit of a sided track but still.

I feel I need support but I am so ashamed of having failed so many times in the past I don't even like talking about it. I make promises and commitments to myself and I never keep them so I have learned that I can't even trust my self to do what I say. I have tried being accountable to an outside source such as Weight Watchers etc... but that only works for so long I lose the 20 lbs and then I stop. I have reached my 10% goal at Weight Watchers 5 different times. Right now If I was to go for this goal I would need to lose about 23 pounds and ultimately to get my self in to the mid range of acceptable weight for my height I need to lose 100 lbs. That is a lot to look at. Last night on the biggest loser Bob said something that struck me when talking to a man that has already lost 150 lbs and needs to lose 300 lbs more. he said " right now you can't focus on the future you have to focus on what you can/need to do today." I want to try and look at it like that, from a be in this moment perspective. I can't promise myself the future but each moment I can chose not to put the unhealthy option in to my body.

So this morning when I weighed myself (neked none the less, well I guess that is as less as you can get) I weighed 227 pounds my first goal is the 10 % goal which I would like to have done by my Birthday on May 6, 2011. So as nervous as it makes me to put this out there I am going to lose 23 pound by that date. Please give me your support and any tips you have I will try and keep you all posted on how I am doing.

All my love........ Here we go!