Decisions, Infertility and Life......

I am having one of those days where all of life's big decisions seem to come to rest on my shoulders, or more accurately come and fill up my brain so I can't do anything else.  They are about a lot of different topics but the main one has to do with infertility.  My hubby and I have been trying to get pregnant for about 6 years now.  I use the word trying loosely because while we did do five round of clomid ( only one of which resulted in ovulation), after I got into grad school and the doctor I was working with died we decided to finish school and then try again with the whole fertility drug treatment thing. We have not tried to prevent pregnancy in 6 years.  We we have now been done with grad school for about a year and I turn 33 in about two and a half weeks.  I am starting to get a very it is now or never feeling about the whole thing.  I want children (most of the time see following phrase), but I am scared about the changes it means for my life, my body, my relationships etc... I am also trying to decide to what extent we are willing to go to have biological children.  I am completely open to adoption but Ideally I would like to do both.
 Due to working in the child welfare field I can not do the foster to adopt rout (at least not easily) while I am with the agency I am with, but if I want the benefit of double coverage of insurance to keep the cost of fertility treatments and medications down I have to stay employed. So I have to decide either way do we go the fertility treatment option or after I am finished with my commitment to said agency do I quit and look for work elsewhere to facilitate the the foster to adopt option.   Also I do not feel if we were doing foster to adopt it would be in mine or the foster children's best interest for me to be working full time. The other less expensive option is through the local prominent religion, but because I am not an active member of that religion it is not an option for me and honestly the other avenues of adoption are pretty cost prohibitive at this time. All the while I and my hubby are just getting older.
One of the 'wonderful' things about infertility is that underlying feeling of being broken. Girls have babies and when you can't do that, well ....broken, defective, upgrade to a better model are the things that run through my head.  The knowledge that conceiving children was going to be difficult isn't new information for me. I was fist diagnosed with  Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in 1998 by an ER doctor who I saw when I had a Cyst rupture on the streets of Ephraim after watching 'Ever After' at the local theater. I hadn't had a menstrual cycle for 11 months. I later had a laperoscopy and they were able to really diagnose me for sure.

A friend of mine who has been doing the whole infertility thing for 6 years just had a Dr. explain PCOS to her in this way and I thought it was pretty good and she put it better thatn I could.
 Thanks to Elle's Family blog for the info.
"He drew me a picture of how insulin is supposed to work in a normal person, and how it works in patients with PCOS. Basically I don't use my insulin correctly and it affects my hormones and this in turn affects my eggs by either making them unhealthy or by killing them off before ovulation. If the egg is dead before ovulation, all that is left is a fluid-filled sac, or cyst. Sometimes they don't go away, so they build up and build up, which is how you get polycystic ovarian syndrome."
One of the main things they tell you if you are over weight and have PCOS is to lose weight, then they tell you this will be very hard because of the insulin resistance and the hormone issues which include elevated testosterone and lots of other fun stuff.  This again reinforces the idea that you are broken.  The trick is that even with all these feelings of being broken you can't use it as an excuse, you still have to go for it and take responsibility, but then when you fail, there it is again, that sence of shame that you should be better, do better/ just be some one else who isn't broken,   But then you have to brush it off examine your destructive thought pattern and go for it again.  Today I am tired of going for it again....  more than likely I will be back at it tomorrow, but today I am over whelmed with planning for the future and trying to take on life.

I would love to hear other peoples stories, Are you dealing with infertility, trying to adopt, do foster care or are trying to loose weight.  Do you have a dream you want to go after but it feels like it conflicts with the rest of your life.  How do you deal with it?  What helps? 

I love feedback on my blog it helps me stay motivated and helps me feel understood so please leave a comment if you read this. 

All My Love and Thanks,
Jennette