To Diet or not to Diet that is the question

This seems to be the eternal question for me. I am currently at my heaviest weight ever and I am plagued again by the question Should I try and lose weight. I am the queen of losing 20 lbs. It seems every time I focus on losing weight I lose 20 lbs and then I lose my motivation ( It may have been hiding in the 20 lbs I lost). My main excuse for not trying to lose weight right now is time. As in I don't have the time, I can't find the time, it takes to much time, energy, focus etc..... With working 40 hours a week, 20 hours of internship plus grad school classes this is an easy excuse to use.

My reasons to lose weight are plentiful. Here are just a few: 1) I will just keep getting fatter if I don't do something. 2) The likely hood of me ever getting pregnant reduces even more with every pound I gain. 3) I only getting older and it it will just keep getting harder to lose weight. 4) I'm pre-diabetic 5) My legs hurt all the time 6) My knees kill when I go up stairs or stand up 7) I look like shit or Jello if you want to talk specifically about my stomach 8) I feel like I am better than this, not better than other people who are over weight (I don't want to be misunderstood here), I know how to lose weight and I know I should and I know I can do it. I just don't seem to be able to get past the it will take to long/ I don't have the time etc.... crap.

It doesn't matter how busy I am there is always a healthier choice on what to put in my mouth even if I have to eat out three times a day due to my schedule. I have three half hours a week I can work out when I am at work plus I am off Saturday and Sunday. I can do this I just need to do it. Why does it seem like the knowledge portion of the event and the doing seem to be on opposite sides of the grand canyon and I am trying to build a bridge between them with tooth picks.

I understand that food is an addiction for me. I eat when I am board and when I want to avoid doing something else. The funny thing is that I am currently doing substance abuse addiction training at my Practicum/Internship. I can completely relate to the addicts when I apply what they say to food. I think I should do a relapse cycle on my food addiction. Sometimes I wish I could process it with them and get my core issues and thinking errors processed by the group. I wonder if the therapeutic community treatment model would work for weight loss. Ok so that is a little bit of a sided track but still.

I feel I need support but I am so ashamed of having failed so many times in the past I don't even like talking about it. I make promises and commitments to myself and I never keep them so I have learned that I can't even trust my self to do what I say. I have tried being accountable to an outside source such as Weight Watchers etc... but that only works for so long I lose the 20 lbs and then I stop. I have reached my 10% goal at Weight Watchers 5 different times. Right now If I was to go for this goal I would need to lose about 23 pounds and ultimately to get my self in to the mid range of acceptable weight for my height I need to lose 100 lbs. That is a lot to look at. Last night on the biggest loser Bob said something that struck me when talking to a man that has already lost 150 lbs and needs to lose 300 lbs more. he said " right now you can't focus on the future you have to focus on what you can/need to do today." I want to try and look at it like that, from a be in this moment perspective. I can't promise myself the future but each moment I can chose not to put the unhealthy option in to my body.

So this morning when I weighed myself (neked none the less, well I guess that is as less as you can get) I weighed 227 pounds my first goal is the 10 % goal which I would like to have done by my Birthday on May 6, 2011. So as nervous as it makes me to put this out there I am going to lose 23 pound by that date. Please give me your support and any tips you have I will try and keep you all posted on how I am doing.

All my love........ Here we go!