trepidation hope and dinner

So I just sent Sam to the Store to go and get some of the last ingredients for dinner and thought I would drop in here and up date a little bit. Life is crazy right now but it could be a lot worse. We have been very lucky to not be seriously effected by the economic down turn. We both still have our jobs, our house and our heath (mostly). We are both able to go to grad school. This blessing is one of those you have to be grateful for but at the same time it is a journey that I am on with equal parts hope and trepidation. I am scared out of my mind that I won't succeed and wash out of the program. I am hopeful that I will complete the program in an above average manner and will be able to go on an help individuals in a way that changes their lives for the better and in helping each individual make a change in the world for good. I think more than anything else I want to inspire others to help them feel able and worthy of change and good things for themselves. I feel that this should be the role of religion or spirituality but with out a religion to start from as a base it is hard to know where to start. I liked teaching Sunday school and feeling like I was giving people a message of hope or instruction for living a better life. I feel in my current role as a social worker people do not look to me for inspiration they often look to me in fear or for permission. I want to encourage and to show them a better way is possible to help them find joy and understanding. I want this to be possible even inside the role of a social worker. I worry because of my own hang ups that they are not able to view me as the conduit I want to be. I am trying to be able to more fully let the purpose of my life be expressed, to put a side old jealousies and hurts to find balance and joy in my own existence so that I can more fully bring light to those around me. It's just hard, but I am brought to mind the quote I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it. I think this is true of all change. I think the hardest thing for me to change is my perception of my self. To be able to truly see my self as a conduit for light and goodness to come in to the world and to be able to model my outer appearance to express who I truly believe I am on the inside.

I know most people seem to have these blogs to let people know of the events and ongoings in their lives and I feel this is the same thing I just focus more on my inner life, the changes and ongoings in my soul. So if your reading this know I am giving you access to my soul and heart and hope that you treat it with the love and gentleness that I hope to treat yours with.

So now back to dinner.

New Back ground

I miss my old back ground it disapeared one day and I could never find it again so this is my new one till I can get one I like better. Have a Great Day.

Bloggity blogg thingy - Warning may be TMI emotionaly

So I haven't written anything on this in a while. I thought I would just drop a line and chat for a minuet.

So as the holidays approach I am reminded once again that I am over invested in the giving people stuff process. I love giving presents and if I had the time money and psychic energy I would like to get everyone the perfect gift. I know that physical gifts aren't the true meaning of the holidays but I love presents and don't know anyone who doesn't at least like them. I wish I could get a present every day. I like the physical manifestation of someone saying I was thinking about you and thought you would like this. So ultimately I guess what I really like is the part where people prove to you that they were thinking about you even when you weren't there. I never seem to believe that people actually care about me and are going to stay in my life. Everyone leaves, seems to be the theme for most friendships. You go your separate ways after high school, college, job to job and I understand that this is normal and if we were in contact with everyone we would have to take out a loan to send out Christmas cards, but I still miss people. Those of you out there that I still think of Elva, Caroline and Misty, Carmen, Dorothy, Cami and nearly every guy I was ever in a relationship, just to name a few, I still miss you and think about you often and I hope you think of me fondly every now and then and know that I still love you and hope you are all happy and successful in love, life and anything else your heart desires.

So how does this relate to presents? People keep asking me what I want for Christmas and as much as I love stuff, what I would really like is to have these people back in my life in a healthy way. In addition to this I would like to know that there are people out there that I can truly count on to never leave me. OK so now I sound like a 16 year old with an abandonment complex, but sometimes these things don't change. I just want to be important to people and I don't know if I truly am, I think that I am just looking for too much from people sometimes. People have their own lives and priorities and I know that I am not one of those priorities and that should be OK, but some how it still makes me feel less some how. So I give presents to bribe people to stay around to not leave me. Some how I feel that if I put more effort into things people will approve of me more and not leave me. So now, as you forward this to my therapist ( don't worry i talked to her this afternoon) maybe you have a little more insight in to who I am and what motivates me.

Inspiration

More than anything else in my life I want to be inspired. I used to be able to find it in religion, but when inspiration turned to self loathing and guilt it could no longer be part of my existence. I couldn't reconcile my own personal view of God with that of my religion. I need God to be accepting and loving, and to me part of that is being non-exclusionary. I can not believe there is only one way back to god, that there is only one true religion. I believe that in a infinite universe with an Omnipotent God there are infinite ways back to God. That through all the different religions there is some type of truth and that there is salvation or peace through all these paths, but I don't think religion has to be part of the equation.

I believe that one can connect to God, spirit, the universe etc... without religion. Spirituality is an important part of my life, but one that I often neglect due to time. I need to make it more of a priority, I don't know how to do it though. I want to meditate more, read more on spirituality from all religions, take time to commune with spirit. I love the way it feels when a truth resonates in my heart, I have found these truths in Buddhism, Hinduism, yoga, Wicca, Judaism, and others.

Spirituality is an on going conversation and can not be completely discussed in one blog I am sure this is a topic I will revisit frequently.

Gratitude

So it has been quite an eventful couple of weeks. I have been in a car accident and got whiplash, had bronchitis, and today my office was on fire briefly. All this on top of work, grad school and the stress induced by constant media bombardment about the economy and the election I have been feeling a bit over whelmed so I wanted to take a step back today and look at a few things I am grateful for.
1) I have an extremely supportive husband who adds to my life.

2) I live in a country where i have the opportunity to get a higher education.

3) I have the right to express my opinion on why I'm frustrated with the government, election economy etc ... with out worrying about going to jail

4) I have the option to over eat. Now I know that this might be a weird thing to mention but I can't but help to think of all those who don't have enough to eat let alone to much.

5)I have health insurance and when I am sick I can go to the doctor without wondering if I will not be able to pay for it.

6) My husband and I have a relationship that allows us to talk about finances and we are both extremely financially responsible.

7)Both my parents are still alive, together and love me.

8)I work in a job where i have the potential to make a difference in peoples lives.

9)I have a job and so does my husband.

10) I have the right to chose my own spiritual path.

11) Support people out there who care about others and want other people to be successful.

12) Ect.......

So what are you grateful for?

Hi and Welcome

Welcome to our blog! I am currently trying to understand the whole blogging process and I am still learing so please be patient with me.