Bloggity blogg thingy - Warning may be TMI emotionaly

So I haven't written anything on this in a while. I thought I would just drop a line and chat for a minuet.

So as the holidays approach I am reminded once again that I am over invested in the giving people stuff process. I love giving presents and if I had the time money and psychic energy I would like to get everyone the perfect gift. I know that physical gifts aren't the true meaning of the holidays but I love presents and don't know anyone who doesn't at least like them. I wish I could get a present every day. I like the physical manifestation of someone saying I was thinking about you and thought you would like this. So ultimately I guess what I really like is the part where people prove to you that they were thinking about you even when you weren't there. I never seem to believe that people actually care about me and are going to stay in my life. Everyone leaves, seems to be the theme for most friendships. You go your separate ways after high school, college, job to job and I understand that this is normal and if we were in contact with everyone we would have to take out a loan to send out Christmas cards, but I still miss people. Those of you out there that I still think of Elva, Caroline and Misty, Carmen, Dorothy, Cami and nearly every guy I was ever in a relationship, just to name a few, I still miss you and think about you often and I hope you think of me fondly every now and then and know that I still love you and hope you are all happy and successful in love, life and anything else your heart desires.

So how does this relate to presents? People keep asking me what I want for Christmas and as much as I love stuff, what I would really like is to have these people back in my life in a healthy way. In addition to this I would like to know that there are people out there that I can truly count on to never leave me. OK so now I sound like a 16 year old with an abandonment complex, but sometimes these things don't change. I just want to be important to people and I don't know if I truly am, I think that I am just looking for too much from people sometimes. People have their own lives and priorities and I know that I am not one of those priorities and that should be OK, but some how it still makes me feel less some how. So I give presents to bribe people to stay around to not leave me. Some how I feel that if I put more effort into things people will approve of me more and not leave me. So now, as you forward this to my therapist ( don't worry i talked to her this afternoon) maybe you have a little more insight in to who I am and what motivates me.