Due to working in the child welfare field I can not do the foster to adopt rout (at least not easily) while I am with the agency I am with, but if I want the benefit of double coverage of insurance to keep the cost of fertility treatments and medications down I have to stay employed. So I have to decide either way do we go the fertility treatment option or after I am finished with my commitment to said agency do I quit and look for work elsewhere to facilitate the the foster to adopt option. Also I do not feel if we were doing foster to adopt it would be in mine or the foster children's best interest for me to be working full time. The other less expensive option is through the local prominent religion, but because I am not an active member of that religion it is not an option for me and honestly the other avenues of adoption are pretty cost prohibitive at this time. All the while I and my hubby are just getting older.
One of the 'wonderful' things about infertility is that underlying feeling of being broken. Girls have babies and when you can't do that, well ....broken, defective, upgrade to a better model are the things that run through my head. The knowledge that conceiving children was going to be difficult isn't new information for me. I was fist diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) in 1998 by an ER doctor who I saw when I had a Cyst rupture on the streets of Ephraim after watching 'Ever After' at the local theater. I hadn't had a menstrual cycle for 11 months. I later had a laperoscopy and they were able to really diagnose me for sure.
A friend of mine who has been doing the whole infertility thing for 6 years just had a Dr. explain PCOS to her in this way and I thought it was pretty good and she put it better thatn I could.
Thanks to Elle's Family blog for the info.
"He drew me a picture of how insulin is supposed to work in a normal person, and how it works in patients with PCOS. Basically I don't use my insulin correctly and it affects my hormones and this in turn affects my eggs by either making them unhealthy or by killing them off before ovulation. If the egg is dead before ovulation, all that is left is a fluid-filled sac, or cyst. Sometimes they don't go away, so they build up and build up, which is how you get polycystic ovarian syndrome."
One of the main things they tell you if you are over weight and have PCOS is to lose weight, then they tell you this will be very hard because of the insulin resistance and the hormone issues which include elevated testosterone and lots of other fun stuff. This again reinforces the idea that you are broken. The trick is that even with all these feelings of being broken you can't use it as an excuse, you still have to go for it and take responsibility, but then when you fail, there it is again, that sence of shame that you should be better, do better/ just be some one else who isn't broken, But then you have to brush it off examine your destructive thought pattern and go for it again. Today I am tired of going for it again.... more than likely I will be back at it tomorrow, but today I am over whelmed with planning for the future and trying to take on life.
I would love to hear other peoples stories, Are you dealing with infertility, trying to adopt, do foster care or are trying to loose weight. Do you have a dream you want to go after but it feels like it conflicts with the rest of your life. How do you deal with it? What helps?
I love feedback on my blog it helps me stay motivated and helps me feel understood so please leave a comment if you read this.
All My Love and Thanks,
Jennette
5 comments:
I can only imagine the frustration that comes with this. Having to quit your job as an option to even think about adoption and foster care. Me and my husband are trying to have a baby too. But I don't have as severe health problems as you. I've heard of possible miracle babies later in life. So keep the faith that you will be a mother and a good one.
I remember the turmoil you were going through when I learned I was pregnant with Lil Miss. I felt horrible; I was happy and my best friend was not. I understand about feeling the age creep up and time running out. I am in that situation now. We talk about trying for another, and I do want another but I am scared. Do I want to try for a second child when I about to turn 35 (and yes, I know that is not old)? Will I succeed? How will this affect my current child and life with my spouse? Can I stand another pregnancy and labour (first labour was 24+ hrs)? It does not help that I often feel like a defective mother. Am I doing what is in her best interest? Should I be doing more? Then we tackle the weight problem. I know it needs to come off. I am not happy with my body as it is. I feel fat and unattractive to both myself and spouse. Why can I not seem to find the motivation to change what I know needs done to make myself feel happier?
My heart goes out to you my dear friend. I do not have the same difficulties as you and know that you must struggle terribly with them. I wish I could share your burden, but I can only be a shoulder and ear for you.
What a hard situation to be in. I am sorry. 33 may feel old to be having a baby, but I really don't think it is too old at all. My sister-in-law just had a baby at 38 and may still try for another. My neighbor just had a baby at 39. Tonya Myrup always said she thought it was best to wait until 30 to start. You are beautiful and wonderful and I wish you the best.
Hi Jennette,
Although I can't relate to what your going through with infertility, I have a sister in which I am VERY close that took 8 years to have a baby. She now has a 3 year old and is 33 and going through in vitro again. So I see her pain and frustration all the time, so I am very sorry:( I agree with Stephanie though, 33 is really not very old to have a baby. Hang in there. If it is meant to be, it will be, and adoption is such an amazing thing too...there is a child out there whether biologically or through adoption that needs you. I think you are an amazing person, don't get down on yourself or feel that you are broken, because you really have so much going for you.
You will be a fabulous mother. You are not broken. Abraham and his wife Sarah were barren for a very long time. She finally conceived a baby at the age of 85 years old! I love you. I have recently lost 30 pounds in 5 months. Using the free website Livestrong.com and using some Jillian Michaels work out Dvds. I'm sure you can do it too if you set your mind to it. -Valerie-
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