trepidation hope and dinner

So I just sent Sam to the Store to go and get some of the last ingredients for dinner and thought I would drop in here and up date a little bit. Life is crazy right now but it could be a lot worse. We have been very lucky to not be seriously effected by the economic down turn. We both still have our jobs, our house and our heath (mostly). We are both able to go to grad school. This blessing is one of those you have to be grateful for but at the same time it is a journey that I am on with equal parts hope and trepidation. I am scared out of my mind that I won't succeed and wash out of the program. I am hopeful that I will complete the program in an above average manner and will be able to go on an help individuals in a way that changes their lives for the better and in helping each individual make a change in the world for good. I think more than anything else I want to inspire others to help them feel able and worthy of change and good things for themselves. I feel that this should be the role of religion or spirituality but with out a religion to start from as a base it is hard to know where to start. I liked teaching Sunday school and feeling like I was giving people a message of hope or instruction for living a better life. I feel in my current role as a social worker people do not look to me for inspiration they often look to me in fear or for permission. I want to encourage and to show them a better way is possible to help them find joy and understanding. I want this to be possible even inside the role of a social worker. I worry because of my own hang ups that they are not able to view me as the conduit I want to be. I am trying to be able to more fully let the purpose of my life be expressed, to put a side old jealousies and hurts to find balance and joy in my own existence so that I can more fully bring light to those around me. It's just hard, but I am brought to mind the quote I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it. I think this is true of all change. I think the hardest thing for me to change is my perception of my self. To be able to truly see my self as a conduit for light and goodness to come in to the world and to be able to model my outer appearance to express who I truly believe I am on the inside.

I know most people seem to have these blogs to let people know of the events and ongoings in their lives and I feel this is the same thing I just focus more on my inner life, the changes and ongoings in my soul. So if your reading this know I am giving you access to my soul and heart and hope that you treat it with the love and gentleness that I hope to treat yours with.

So now back to dinner.